Duncan: The Demon Delinquent of wawanakwa
by Iracabeth.of.Crims.3118
Summary: another TDI musical! this time with sweeney!
1. Chapter 1

Duncan-sweeney todd

courtney: mrs. lovett

lucy-Gwen

trent-judge turpin

owen-the beadle

bridgette-johanna

anthony-geoff

toby-cody

alejandro-pirelli

ghosts-the rest of the cast


	2. Chapter 2

**Duncan:**  
Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.  
His skin was pale and his eye was odd.  
He shaved the faces of gentlemen  
Who never thereafter were heard of again.  
He trod a path that few have trod,  
Did Sweeney Todd,  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  
We cut from the blood to see the Gentleman standing before  
us. Strangely impassive.  
We are in an eerie dark chamber, unclear, a low ceiling, a  
world of silhouettes and shadows.  
**Trent:**  
He kept a shop in London town,  
Of fancy clients and good renown,  
And what if none of their souls were saved?  
They went to their maker impeccably shaved...  
**gwen:**  
By Sweeney,  
By Sweeney Todd,  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  
**all:**  
Swing your razor wide, Sweeney!  
Hold it to the skies!  
Freely flows the blood of those  
Who moralize!  
**Owen:**  
His needs were few, his room was bare:  
**Geoff**  
A lavabo and a fancy chair...  
**Cody:**  
A mug of suds and a leather strop,  
An apron, a towel, a pail and a mop...  
**Bridgette:**  
For neatness he deserves a nod,  
Does Sweeney Todd...  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  
GHOSTS  
(variously)  
Inconspicuous Sweeney was,  
Quick and quiet and clean 'e was.  
Back of his smile, under his word,  
Sweeney heard music that nobody heard.  
Sweeney pondered and Sweeney planned,  
Like a perfect machine 'e planned,  
Sweeney was smooth, Sweeney was subtle,  
Sweeney would blink and rats would scuttle...  
Sweeney was smooth, Sweeney was subtle,  
Sweeney would blink and rats would scuttle.  
Inconspicuous Sweeney was,  
Quick and quiet and clean 'e was,  
Like a perfect machine 'e was,  
Was Sweeney!  
Sweeney!  
Sweeney!  
Sweeeeeneeeeey!  
**Duncan:**  
Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.  
He served a dark and a vengeful god.  
What happened then-  
Well, that's the play.  
And he wouldn't want us to give it away,  
all:  
(variously)  
Not Sweeney,  
Not Sweeney Todd,  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.


	3. Chapter 3

**geoff**

I have sailed the world  
beheld its wonders  
from the Dardanelles,  
to the mountains of Peru,  
But there's no place like London!  
I feel home again...  
I could hear the city bells ring...  
Whatever would I do?  
No there's...

**duncan**

No place like London...

**geoff** (spoken)

Mr. Todd, sir

**duncan**

You are young...  
Life has been kind to you...  
You will learn.  
(Spoken) 'Tis here we go our seperate ways.  
Farewell Antony.  
I will not soon forget the good ship bountiful, nor the young man who saved my life.

**geoff**

(Spoken) There's no cause to thank me for that, sir.  
It would have been a poor Christian indeed who would have spotted you  
pinching and tossing on that raft and not given the alarm.

**duncan**

(Spoken)  
There's many a Christian would've done just that and not lost a winks sleep over it either.

**gwen**

(Sung) Alms, alms for a miserable woman, on a miserable chilly mornin'!  
Thank ya, sir, thank ya...  
How would ya like a little muff,  
dear a little jig-jig,  
a little bounce around the bush!  
Wouldn't ya like to push me parsley?  
It looks to me, dear, that you've got plenty there to push!  
Alms, alms for a pitiful woman...  
what's got wandering wits?  
Hey! DOn't I know you, mister?

**duncan**

Must you glare at me, woman?  
Off with you!  
Off I say!

**gwen**

Then how would ya like to split me muff?  
Mister, we'll go jig-jig!  
A little...

**duncan**

Off I said!  
To the devil with you!

**gwen:**

Alms, alms for a pitiful woman! (i hate this role!)

**geoff:**(Spoken)

Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her,  
she's only a half-crazed beggar woman...  
London's full of them.

**duncan** (spoken)

I beg your indulgance, boy, my mind is far from easy.  
For in the once familiar streets I feel a chill of ghostly shadows everywhere.  
Forgive me.

Antony (spoken)

There is nothing to forgive.

**duncan** (spoken)

Farewell, Antony.

**geoff** (spoken)

Mr. Todd, before we part...

**duncan:** (spoken)

What is it?

**geoff:** (spoken)

I have honored my promise never to question you.  
Whatever brought you to that sorry shipwreck is your affair and yet, over  
many weeks of our voyage home,  
I've come to think of you as a friend,  
and if trouble lies ahead for you in London, if you  
need any help...or money.

**Duncan**(spoken)

No!  
(sung)  
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit  
and the vermin of the world inhabit it  
and its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit  
and it goes by the name of London.  
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few  
Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo  
turning beauty to filth and greed...  
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,  
for the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru  
but there's no place like London!

There was a barber and his wife  
and she was beautiful...  
a foolish barber and his wife.  
She was his reason for his life...  
and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous.  
And he was nieve.  
There was another man who saw  
that she was beautiful...  
A biased vulture of the law  
who, with a gesture of his claw  
removed the barber from his plate!  
And there was nothing but to wait!  
And she would fall!  
So soft!  
So young!  
So lost and oh so beautiful!

**geoff:**

The lady, sir...did she succumb?

**duncan:(sung)**

Ah, that was many years ago...  
I doubt if anyone would know.  
(spoken)  
Now leave me, Antony.  
There is somewhere I must go,  
something i must find out.  
Now, and alone.

**geoff (spoken)**

But surely we will meet again before I am off to Plymouth?

**duncan:** (spoken)

If you want you may well find me around Fleet Street. I wouldn't wander.  
(sung)  
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit  
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit!  
And the vermin of the world inhabit it!

(courtney is dressed messy and gothic. she's hitting bugs on the counter with a rolling pin. then...)

**courtney:**  
(spoken) A customer!

Wait!  
What's your rush? What's your hurry?  
You gave me such a -  
Fright, I thought you was a ghost!  
Half a minute, can'tcher sit!  
Sit you down, sit!  
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks!  
Did you come here for a pie, sir?  
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague -  
Ugh! What is that?  
But you think we had the plague!  
From the way that people  
Keep avoiding -  
No you don't!  
Heaven knows I try, sir!  
Ick!  
But there's no one comes in even to inhale!  
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?  
Mind you, I can't hardly blame them!  
These are probably the worst pies in London!  
I know why nobody cares to take them,  
I should know,  
I make them,  
But good? No!  
The worst pies in London,  
Even that's polite!  
The worst pies in London,  
If you doubt it, take a bite!  
Is that just disgusting?  
You have to concede it!  
It's nothing but crusting!  
Here, drink this, you'll need it!  
The worst pies in London...  
And no wonder with the price of meat  
What it is  
When you get it  
Never  
Thought I'd live to see the day  
Men'd think it was a treat  
Findin' poor  
Animals  
Wot are dyin' in the street!  
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop!  
Does a business but I notice something weird.  
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared!  
Have to hand it to her -  
Wot I calls  
Enterprise  
Poppin' pussies into pies!  
Wouldn't do in my shop!  
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!  
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick!  
No denying times is hard, sir  
Even harder than the worst pies in London!  
Only lard and nothing more -  
Is that just revolting,  
All greasy and gritty?  
It looks like it's molting,  
And tastes like,  
Well, pity  
A woman alone,  
With limited wind,  
And the worst pies in London!  
Ah, sir, times is hard,  
Times is hard!

**duncan:**

isn't that a room up there over the shop? if times're so hard why dont you rent it out? ought to bring in...something.

courtney:

up there!? oh no one will go near it! people think it's haunted! you see...years ago...something happened UP THERE...something not very nice.

There was a barber and his wife,  
And he was beautiful  
A proper artist with a knife,  
But they transported him for life.  
And he was beautiful...

(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker.  
duncan: What was his crime?  
courtney: Foolishness.

He had this wife, y'see,  
Pretty little thing,  
Silly little nit,  
Had her chance for the moon on a string.  
Poor thing.  
Poor thing.  
There were these two, y'see,  
Wanted her like mad,  
One of 'em a judge, t'other one his beadle!  
Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle!  
But she wouldn't budge from her needle!  
Too bad,  
Pure thing.  
So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did,  
Leavin' 'er with nothing but grief and a year-old kid!  
Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid!  
Poor fool!  
Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...

(during the following, owen lures gwen over to trent who rapes her as everyone giggles enjoying the spectacle)

(spoken) Johanna... That was the baby's name, pretty little Johanna.  
duncan: Go on.  
courtney: My, you do like a good story, don't you?

Well, Beadle calls on her all polite,  
Poor thing,  
Poor thing!  
The judge, he tells her is all contrite,  
He blames himself for her dreadful plight,  
She must come straight to his house tonight,  
Poor thing,  
Poor thing!

Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing,  
They're 'avin' this ball all in masks!  
There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing!  
She wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing!  
The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing!  
'Oh, where is Judge Turpin,' she asks...  
'E was there alright,  
Only not so contrite!

She wasn't no match for such craft, y'see,  
And everyone thought it so droll.  
They figured she had to be daft, y'see,  
So all of them stood there and laughed, y'see!  
Poor soul!  
Poor thing!

duncan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOULD NO ONE HAVE MERCY ON HER!?

courtney: so it IS you. benjamin barker.

duncan. no not barker. todd now. sweeney todd. where is she!?

courtney: so changed! good god what did they do to ya down in bloody austrailia or whatever!?

duncan: where's lucy? where's my wife?

courtney: she poisoned herself. arsenic. from the apothecary on the corner. I tried to help her but she wouldn't listen to me!

duncan: and my daughter?

courtney: Johanna? he's got her!

duncan: he? JUDGE TURPIN!?

courtney: even e' had a conscience tucked away, i supposed. adopted her like is' own. you could say it was good luck for her...almost.

duncan: 15 years of sweating in a living hell on a trumped up charge!? 15 years of dreaming that perhaps i might come home to a loving wife and child! let them quake in their boots, judge turpin and the beadle! for their hour has come!

courtney: you gonna get im' ? you bleedin little nobody of a runaway convict? don't make me laugh! you'll never get 'is 'igh-and-mightiness or the beadle never in a million years! hey, you got any money? listen to me! 'ave you got any money!

duncan: no money.

courtney: how ya gonna live even?

duncan: i'll live. if i have to sweat in the sewers or even the plague hospital, i'll live! and i'll have them!

courtney: ya poor thing! haha! ya poor thing...wait!

(runs off stage and returns with a box of knives.)

see? it don't have to be the sewers or the plague 'orspital. when they come for the little girl i hid em'. i thought 'who knows maybe the poor bloke will be back someday and need em!' cracked in the head wasn't i?

my, them blades is chased silver ain't they?

duncan:

silver, yes...

These are my friends,  
See how they glisten.  
See this one shine,  
How he smiles in the light,  
My friends,  
My faithful friends...

Speak to me, friend.  
Whisper, I'll listen.  
I know, I know  
You've been locked out of sight  
All these years!  
Like me, my friend!  
Well, I've come home  
To find you waiting!  
Home,  
And we're together...  
And we'll do wonders...  
Won't we...?

[Simultaneously, for rest of song]  
duncan:  
You there, my friend,  
Come, let me hold you.  
Now, with a sigh,  
You grow warm  
In my hand...  
My friend,  
My clever friend...  
courtney:  
I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd.  
If you only knew, Mr. Todd.  
Ooh, Mr. Todd,  
You're warm  
In my hand...  
You've come home...  
Always had a fondness for you,  
I did.

duncan:  
Rest now, my friends.  
Soon I'll unfold you.  
Soon you'll know splendors  
You never have dreamed  
All your days,  
My lucky friends.  
Till now your shine  
Was merely silver.  
Friends,  
You shall drip rubies,  
You'll soon drip precious  
Rubies...  
courtney:  
Never you fear, Mr. Todd.  
You can move in here  
Mr. Todd. Splendors  
You never have dreamed  
All your days  
Will be yours!  
I'm your friend,  
And you're mine!  
Don't they shine beautiful?  
Silver's good enough for me,  
Mr. T...

Duncan:

AT LAST! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!

COMPANY:

Lift your razor high!  
Sweeney!  
Hear it singing Yes!  
Stick it in the rosy skin of righteousness!  
His voice was soft, his manner mild.  
He seldom laughed but he often smiled.  
He'd seen how civilized men behaved.  
He never forgot  
and he never forgave.  
Not Sweeney...  
Not Sweeney Todd...  
The Demon barber of Fleet Street


	4. Chapter 4

Bridgette: oh, and how are they today?

DJ: (as bird seller) hungry as always, miss johanna!

BRIDGETTE(Sings):  
Green finch and linnet bird,  
Nightingale, blackbird,  
How is it you sing?  
How can you jubilate,  
Sitting in cages,  
Never taking wing?  
Outside the sky waits,  
Beckoning, beckoning,  
Just beyond the bars.  
How can you remain,  
Staring at the rain,  
Maddened by the stars?  
How is it you sing  
Anything?  
How is it you sing?  
Green finch and linnet bird,  
Nightingale, blackbird,  
How is it you sing?  
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?  
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?  
Are you discussing or fussing  
Or simply dreaming?  
Are you crowing?  
Are you screaming?  
Ringdove and robinet,  
Is it for wages,  
Singing to be sold?  
Have you decided it's  
Safer in cages,  
Singing when you're told?

(GEOFF enters. Instantly he sees her and stands transfixed by her beauty)

My cage has many rooms,  
Damask and dark.  
Nothing there sings,  
Not even my lark.  
Larks never will, you know,  
When they're captive.  
Teach me to be more adaptive.  
Green finch and linnet bird,  
Nightingale, blackbird,  
Teach me how to sing.  
If I cannot fly,  
Let me sing.  
(She gazes into the middle distance disconsolately)

GEOFF (Gazing at her, sings softly):  
I have sailed the world,  
Beheld its wonders,  
From the pearls of Spain  
To the rubies of Tibet,  
But not even in London  
Have I seen such a wonder . . .  
(Breathlessly)  
Lady look at me look at me miss oh  
Look at me please oh  
Favor me favor me with your glance.  
Ah, miss,  
What do you what do you see off  
There in those trees oh  
Won't you give won't you give me a chance?  
Who would sail to Spain  
For all its wonders,  
When in Kearney's Lane  
Lies the greatest wonder yet?  
Ah, miss,  
Look at you look at you pale and  
Ivory-skinned oh  
Look at you looking so sad so queer.  
Promise  
Not to retreat to the darkness  
Back of your window  
Not till you not till you look down here.  
Look at

geoff/ bridgette:  
Me! Green finch and linnet bird,  
Look at Nightingale, blackbird,  
Me! Teach me how to sing.  
If I cannot fly,  
Look at me .. . Let me sing .

GWEN:  
Alms, Alms for a miserable woman.  
Beg your pardon, it's you sir, thank you, thank you kindly.

GEOFF(spoken):  
One moment mother, perhaps you know who's house this is.

GWEN:  
(nervously) That, Oh, That's the gret Judge Turpins house that is.

GEOFF:  
And the young lady who resides there?

GWEN:  
(increasingly nervous) Oh her? Well that's J-Johanna, His pretty little ward.  
Oh but don't you go tresspassing there young man. Not if you value your hide.  
Tamper there and it's a good wippin' for ya,  
or any other yout' wif mischeif on 'is mind. (laughs)

(Sing-song) Hey, Hoy sailor boy, want it snugly harbored,  
open me gate but dock it straight I see a place to starboard!  
(laughs widly)

GEOFF: Off with you, OFF!

(geoff tries to approach bridgette from her makeshift balcony)

GEOFF:  
I feel you, Johanna,  
I feel you.  
I was half convinced I'd waken,  
Satisfied enough to dream you.  
Happily I was mistaken,  
Johanna.  
I'll steal you, Johanna,  
I'll steal you.

TRENT: Johanna! JOHANNA!

BRIDGETTE: Oh dear!

TRENT: You...If I see your face on this, or any other neighbor's street, you'll rue the day you were born! is that plain enough speaking!?

GEOFF: But sir, I swear to you that there was nothing in my heart but most respectful sentiments of-

OWEN: you heard his worship!

GEOFF: but dude, I have no fight with you.

(owen grabs a bird from DJ and wrings its neck.)

OWEN: get the gist of it, "dude"? next time it'll be your neck!

(he follows trent and bridgette)

TRENT: Johanna, if I were to think you encouraged this young rogue-

BRIDGETTE: Dear father, I hope always to be obedient to your commands.

TRENT: (seductively) Dear child, how sweet you look in that light muslin gown!

BRIDGETTE: (screams and runs off. trent and owen follow)

GEOFF:

I'll steal you, Johanna,  
I'll steal you.  
Do they think that walls could hide you?  
Even now, I'm at your window.  
I am in the dark beside you,  
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!  
I feel you, Johanna,  
And one day I'll steal you!  
Til I'm with you then,  
I'm with you there,  
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair!


	5. Chapter 5

DUNCAN: haircutter, barber, toothpuller to the king of naples!?

COURTNEY: Eyetalian. all the rage 'e is.

DUNCAN: not for long.

COURTNEY: ooh, mr. T do ya really think you can do it?

DUNCAN: by tomorrow they'll all be flocking to me like sheep to be shorn.

COURTNEY: (sees owen) ooh look! there's the beadle! beadle bamford!

DUNCAN: so much the better!

COURTNEY: but what if he should recognize you?

DUNCAN: I will do what I have set out to do, woman!

CODY:  
Ladies and Gentlemen!  
May I have your attention please?  
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair  
To discover your pillow is covered with hair  
Wot ought not to be there?  
Well, ladies and gentlemen,  
From now on you can waken with ease.  
You need never again have a worry or care,  
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare,  
Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose  
From the dead!  
On the top of my head.

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen,  
I was suddenly struck with a rare  
Oriental disease.  
Though the finest physicians in London were called,  
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled  
To discover with dread that my head was as bald  
As a novice's knees!  
I was dying of shame  
Till a gentleman came,  
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name.  
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold.  
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told,  
And behold!  
Less than thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's  
Miracle elixir  
That's what did the trick, sir,  
True, sir, true.  
Was it quick, sir?  
Did it in a tick, sir,  
Just like an elixir  
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?  
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.

COMPANY:  
Penny buys a bottle, I don't know  
You don't need  
Ah, let's go

CODY  
Go ahead and tug, sir.  
Go ahead, sir, harder.

Does Pirelli's  
Stimulate the growth, sir?  
You can have my oath, sir,  
'Tis unique.  
Rub a minute.  
Stimulatin', in'it?  
Soon you'll have to thin it  
Once a week!

Gently dab it.  
Gets to be a habit.  
Soon there'll be enough, sir,  
Somebody can grab it.  
See that chap with  
Hair like Shelley's?  
You can tell 'e's  
Used Pirelli's!

COMPANY:  
Let me have a bottle,  
Make that two!

DUNCAN:

Pardon me, ma'am what's that awful stench?

COURTNEY: Are we standing near an open trench? pardon me, sir what's that awful stench?

DUNCAN: must be standing near an open trench!

CODY:  
Buy Pirelli's  
Miracle elixir  
Anything wot's slick, sir,  
Soon sprouts curls.  
Try Pirelli's  
When they see how thick, sir,  
You can have your pick, sir,  
Of the girls!

Wanna buy a bottle Missus?

DUNCAN: what is this?

COURTNEY: What is this?

DUNCAN: smells like piss.

COURTNEY: smells like EW! wouldn't touch it if I was you dear.

DUNCAN: looks like piss. this is PISS. PISS WITH INK!

CODY: Never mind that madman, mister...never mind that madman.

ALL BUT CODY: WHERE IS THIS PIRELLI!?

CODY: Let Pirelli's activate your roots sir-

DUNCAN: keep it off you BOOTS sir, eats right through!

CODY: Yes get pirelli's use a bottle of it. Ladies seem to love it!

COURTNEY: FLIES DO TOO!  
(crowd roars with laughter. Then...)

CROWD, duncan, courtney: HAND THE BLOODY MONEY OVER! HAND THE BLOODY MONEY OVER!

CODY:

See Pirelli's  
Miracle elixir  
Grow a little wick, sir,  
Then some fuzz.  
The Pirelli's  
Soon'll make it thick, sir,  
Like a good elixir  
Always does!

Trust Pirelli's  
If your hair is sick, sir,  
Fix it in a nick, sir,  
Don't look grim.  
Just Pirelli's  
Miracle elixir,  
That'll do the trick, sir

COMPANY:  
What about the money?

Cody:  
If you've got a kick, sir

COMPANY:  
What about the money?  
Where is this Pirelli?  
Go and get Pirelli!

CODY(Simultaneously):  
Tell it to the mixer  
Of the miracle elixir  
If you've got a kick, sir,

COMPANY: WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY!? WHERE IS THIS PIRELLI?

(alejandro appears in a puff of smoke)

CODY: Talk to him!

ALEJANDRO: I am adolfo pirelli, da king of da barbers da barber of kings e buongiorno good day! I blow you a kiss!

(he does so)

And I the so famous Pirelli, I wish-a to know-a who has-a da nerve-a to say...MY ELIXIR IS PISS!? Who says this!?

Duncan: I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd of fleet street, and I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's elixir and I say to you that it is nothing but an arrant fraud concocted from piss and ink.

courtney: he's right! better to throw your money down the sewer!

cody: ladies and gentlemen, pay no attention to this madman-

duncan: and FURTHERMORE, "signor" I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank. You see these razors? I lay them against 5 pounds you are no match for me. Either accept my challenge or reveal yourself as sham.

ALEJANDRO: you hear zis foolish man? watch and see how he will regret his folly. 5 pounds it is!

Duncan: friends, neighbors who's for a free shave:

SCOTT: me sir!

LIGHTENING: sha-me, mr. sha-todd sir!

Duncan:  
will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

owen:  
Gladly, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors.

alejandro:  
REady?

Duncan:  
Ready.

ALEJANDROi:  
To shave-a da face,  
to pull-a da toot,  
Require da grace  
and not-a da brute  
For if you slip and nick-a da skin,  
you clip-a da chin  
You rip-a da lip a bit  
And dats-a da trut!

To shave-a da face  
or even a part  
Widout it-a smart  
require da heart  
it takes-a da art  
I show you a chrt  
I study-a starting in my yout!

To cut-a da hair  
To trim-a da beard  
To make-a da bristle  
Clean as a whistle  
dis is from early infancy  
Da talent give to me  
By God-

It take-a da skill  
It take-a da brians  
It take-a da will  
It take-a da Pains  
It take-a da pace  
It take-a da graaaaaaaaaaaace-

OWEN:  
The winner is Todd!

ALEJANDRO:  
Sir, I bow to a skill far defter than my own

DUNCAN: the 5 pounds.

ALEJANDRO: Here sir. and may the good lord smile upon you...until we meet again. Come boy! (slaps cody. they exit)

COURTNEY: well who'd have thought, dear you pulled it off!

OWEN: mr todd...strange sir, but it seems your face is known to me...

COURTNEY: him? that's a laugh, him being my uncle's cousin from birmingham...

DUNCAN: and already, I've heard Beadle bamford spoken of with great respect.

OWEN: well, I try my best for my neighbors. your establishment is in fleet street you say?

DUNCAN: that's right

OWEN: then, you shall surely see me there before the week is out.

DUNCAN: you will be welcome, beadle bamford, and I will give you without a penny's charge, the closest shave you will ever know.

Company:  
Sweeney Pondered and Sweeney planned  
like a perfect mahine'e planned  
Barbing the hook, baiting the trap  
Setting out for the Beadle to snap  
Set a sort of a scene, 'e did  
Laying the trail, showing the traces  
letting it lead to higher places  
SWEENEY...


	6. Chapter 6

GWEN (Sings):  
Alms . . . alms . . .  
COURTNEY (Imitating her nastily, sings):  
Alms . . . alms . . .  
(Music continues)  
How many times have I told you? I'll not have trash from the gutter hanging around my establishment!  
GWEN: Not just a penny, dear? Or a pie? One of them pies that give the stomach cramps to half the neighborhood? (A cackling laugh) Come on, dear. Have a heart, dear.  
COURTNEY: Off. Off with you or you'll get a kick on the rump that'll make your teeth chatter!  
GWEN: Stuck up thing! You and your fancy airs! (Shuffling off into the wings, sings)  
Alms ... alms ...  
For a desperate woman ...

Courtney: it's not much of a chair, but it'll do till you get your fancy new one. Was me poor albert's chair. sit in it all day long e' did till his leg gave out with gout.

Duncan: why doesn't the beadle come? before the week is out, that's what he said!

courtney: and who says the week is out, it's only friday!

Easy now,  
Hush, love, hush,  
Don't distress yourself,  
What's your rush?  
Keep your thoughts  
Nice and lush,  
Wait.

Hush, love, hush,  
Think it through.  
Once it bubbles, then  
What's to do?  
Watch it close.  
Let it brew.  
Wait.

I've been thinkin' flowers,  
Maybe daisies,  
To brighten up the room!  
Don't you think some flowers,  
Pretty daisies,  
Might relieve the gloom?  
Ah, wait,  
Love, wait.

DUNCAN: (spoken) And the judge? When will I get to him?

COURTNEY:  
Can't you think of nothin' else?  
Always broodin' away on your wrongs  
what happened heaven knows how many years ago!

Slow, love, slow.  
Time's so fast.  
Now goes quickly, see  
Now it's past!  
Soon will come,  
Soon will last.  
Wait.

Don't you know,  
Silly man?  
Half the fun is to  
Plan the plan!  
All good things  
Come to those who can  
Wait.

Gillyflowers, maybe,  
'Stead of daisies...  
I dunno though...  
What do you think?

Duncan: yes.

Courtney: gillyflowers i'd say. nothing like a nice bowl of gillies.

(geoff enters.)

GEOFF: mr. todd! in business already I see. I have something to tell you. I have found the fairest, most loving maid that any man could dream of! and yet there are already problems. she has a guardian so tyrannical that he keeps her shut away from the human eye. but this morning this key dropped from her window, a sure sign that Johanna-

courtney: johanna-

GEOFF:

that's her name ma'am. and turpin that of the abominable parent.a judge it seems, but as i said, a monstrous tyrant. mr. todd, once the judge goes to court, I'll sneak into his house and beg her to fly with me tonight! But, I don't know anyone in London! Where can I take her before I get a coach to speed us home to plymouth?

COURTNEY:

bring her here, dear.

GEOFF:

do I have your consent, Mr. Todd?

DUNCAN: the girl may come.

GEOFF: a thousand blessings on you both! I must be off, for surely the judge has gone off to the old bailey!

(exits)

COURTNEY: Johanna, who'dve thought? it's like fate! you'll have her back before the week is out!

DUNCAN: yeah, before he takes her to the other end of the country!

COURTNEY: ooh, that sailor boy? since you're so hot for a little cutting, that's the throat to slit dear! (babbles on as alejandro and cody enter.) we'll make a lovely home for her! if there was ever a maternal heart, it's mine!

ALEJANDRO: (mock formal bow) good morning to you, mr. todd, and to you, bellissima signorina. (kisses courtney's hand)

COURTNEY: 'ow do you do, signor, I'm sure.

ALEJANDRO: A little business with Mr. TODD, signora. Perhaps if you will give the permission?  
COURTNEY: Oh yes, indeed, I'll just pop on down to my pies. (Surveying CODY) Oh lawks, look at it now! Don't look like it's had a kind word since half past never! (Smiling at him) What would you say, son, to a nice juicy meat pie, eh? Your teeth is strong, I hope?  
CODY: Oh yes, ma'am.  
COURTNEY (Taking his hand): Then come with me, love. (They start down the stairs to the shop)  
ALEJANDRO: Mr. Todd.  
DUNCAN: Signor Pirelli.  
ALEJANDRO (Reverting to Irish): Ow, call me Danny, Daniel O'Higgins' the name when it's not perfessional. (Looks around the shop) Not much, but I imagine you'll pretty it up a bit. (Holds out his hand) I'd like me five quid back, ifn ya don't mind.  
DUNCAN: Why?  
COURTNEY: That's my boy. Tuck in.  
Alejandro: It'll hold me over till your customers start coming. Then it's half your profits you'll hand over to me every week on a Friday, share and share alike. All right . . . Mr. Benjamin Barker?  
DUNCAN (Very quiet): Why do you call me that?  
COURTNEY: At least you've got a nice full head of hair on you.  
CODY: Well, ma'am, to tell the truth, ma'am — (He reaches up and pulls off the "locks" which are a wig, revealing his own short-cropped hair) — gets awful 'ot.  
ALEJANDRO: You don't remember me. Why should you? I was just a down and out Irish lad you hired for a couple of weeks — sweeping up hair and such like — (Holding up razor) but I remember these — and you. Benjamin Barker, later transported to Botany Bay for life. So, Mr. TODD — is it a deal or do I run down the street for me pal beadle Bamford?  
ALEJANDRO(Sings, nastily):  
You t'ink-a you smart,  
You foolish-a boy.  
Tomorrow you start  
In my-a employ!  
You unner-a-stan'?  
You like-a my plan — ? (Strangles alejandro)  
CODY(Downstairs, unaware of this): Oh gawd, he's got an appointment with his tailor. If he's late and it's my fault — you don't know him!  
COURTNEY: I wouldn't want to, I'm sure, dear.  
CODY : Signor! It's late! The tailor, sir. (Remembering) Oh, me wig! Signor, I did like you said. I reminded you . . . the tailor . .. Ow, he ain't here.  
DUNCAN: Signor PIRELLI has been called away.  
CODY: Where did he go?  
DUNCAN: He didn't say. You'd better run after him.  
CODY: Oh no, sir. Knowing him, sir, without orders to the contrary, I'd best wait for him here.  
DUNCAN: So MRS. LOVETT gave you a pie, did she, my lad?  
CODY: Oh yes, sir. She's a real kind lady. One whole pie.  
DUNCAN (Moving toward him): A whole pie, eh? That's a treat. And yet, if I know a growing boy, there's still room for more,eh?  
CODY: I'd say, sir. (Patting his stomach) An aching void.  
DUNCAN: Then why don't you run downstairs and wait for your master there? There'll be another pie in it for you, I'm sure. (Afterthought) And tell MRS. LOVETT to give you a nice big tot of gin.  
CODY: Oo, sir! Gin, sir! Thanking you, sir, thanking you kindly. Gin! You're a Christian indeed, sir! (He runs down the stairs to MRS. LOVETT) Oh, ma'am, the gentleman says to give me a nice tot of gin, ma'am.  
COURTNEY: Gin, dear? Why not? (Upstairs, with great ferocity, DUNCAN opens the chest, grabs the screaming ALEJANDRO by the hair, tugs him up from the chest and slashes his throat)

BRICK, NOAH, SCOTT (Enter and sing):  
His hands were quick, his fingers strong.  
It stung a little but not for long.  
And those who thought him a simple clod  
Were soon reconsidering under the sod,  
Consigned there with a friendly prod  
From Sweeney TODD,  
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

See your razor gleam, Sweeney,  
Feel how well it fits  
As it floats across the throats  
Of hypocrites . ..

(trent fumbles with the script, trying to make changes to "ninishism," while cameron just sits there. owen watches eating popcorn)

UDGE: This is the fourth-NINTH time, sir, that you have been brought before this bench. Though it is my earnest wish ever to temper justice with mercy, your persistent dedication to a life of crime is such an abomination before DOCTOR NINE and man that I have no alternative but to sentence you to hang by the neck until you are dead. Court adjourned. It is perhaps remiss of me to close the court so early, but the stench of those miserable wretches at the bar was so offensive to my nostrils I feared my eagerness for fresher air might well impair the soundness of my judgment.  
OWEN: Well, sir, the adjournment is fortunate for me, sir, for it's today we celebrate my sweet little Izzy's birthday, and to have her daddy back so soon to hug and kiss her will be her crowning joy on such a happy day.  
TRENT: It is a happy moment for me, too. Walk home with me for I have news for you. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry Johanna next Monday.  
OWEN: Ah, sir, happy news indeed.  
TRENT: Strange, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance. But that's natural enough in a young girl. Now that she has had time for reflection, I'm sure she will greet my proposal in a more sensible frame of mind.  
BRIDGETTE (Sings):  
He means to marry me Monday,  
What shall I do? I'd rather die.  
GEOFF(Sings):  
I have a plan —  
BRIDGETTE:  
I'll swallow poison on Sunday,  
That's what I'll do, I'll get some lye.  
GEOFF:  
I have a plan —  
BRIDGETTE (Stops pacing suddenly):  
Oh, dear, was that a noise?  
GEOFF:  
A plan—  
BRIDGETTE:  
I think I heard a noise.  
GEOFF;  
A plan!  
BRIDGETTE:  
It couldn't be,  
He's in court,  
He's in court today,  
Still that was a noise,  
Wasn't that a noise?  
You must have heard that —  
GEOFF:  
Kiss me.  
BRIDGETTE (Shyly):  
Oh, sir...  
GEOFF:  
Ah, miss ...  
BRIDGETTE:  
Oh, sir ...  
(She turns away, agitatedly)  
If he should marry me Monday,  
What shall I do? I'll die of grief.  
GEOFF:  
We fly tonight —  
BRIDGETTE:  
'Tis Friday, virtually Sunday,  
What can we do with time so brief?  
GEOFF:  
We fly tonight —  
BRIDGETTE:  
Behind the curtain — quick!  
GEOFF:  
Tonight —  
BRIDGETTE:  
I think I heard a click!  
GEOFF:  
Tonight!  
BRIDGETTE:  
It was agate!  
It's the gate!  
We don't have a gate.  
Still there was a — Wait!  
There's another click!  
You must have heard that —  
GEOFF:  
It's not a gate.  
There's no gate,  
You don't have a gate.  
If you'd only listen, miss, and  
GEOFF;  
Kiss me!  
BRIDGETTE:  
Tonight?  
GEOFF:  
Kiss me.  
BRIDGETTE:  
You mean tonight?  
GEOFF:  
The plan is made.  
BRIDGETTE:  
Oh, sir!  
GEOFF;  
So kiss me.  
BRIDGETTE:  
I feel a fright.  
GEOFF:  
Be not afraid.  
BRIDGETTE:  
Sir, I did  
Love you even as I  
Saw you, even as it  
Did not matter that I  
Did not know your name.  
GEOFF:  
Tonight I'll  
Steal  
You,  
JOHANNA,  
I'll steal you ...  
GEOFF:  
It's me you'll marry on Monday,  
That's what you'll do!  
BRIDGETTE:  
And gladly, sir.  
GEOFF:  
St. Dunstan's, noon.  
BRIDGETTE:  
I knew I'd be with you one day,  
Even not knowing who you were.  
I feared you'd never come,  
That you'd been called away,  
That you'd been killed,  
Had the plague,  
Were in debtor's jail,  
Trampled by a horse,  
Gone to sea again,  
Arrested by the —  
BRIDGETTE:  
Kiss me!  
GEOFF:  
Of course.  
BRIDGETTE:  
Quickly!  
GEOFF:  
Ah, miss,  
Marry me, marry me, miss,  
Oh, marry me Monday!  
Favor me, favor me  
With your hand.  
Promise,  
Marry me, marry me, please,  
Oh, marry me Monday —  
GEOFF:  
You're sure?  
BRIDGETTE:  
Kiss me!  
GEOFF (Taking her in his arms):  
I shall!  
BRIDGETTE:  
Kiss me!  
Oh, sir ...  
TRENT: Yes, yes, but surely the respect that she owes me as her guardian should be sufficient to kindle a more tender emotion.  
OWEN (Sings):  
Excuse me, my lord.  
May I request, my lord,  
Permission, my lord, to speak?  
Forgive me if I suggest, my lord,  
You're looking less than your best, my lord,  
There's powder upon your vest, my lord,  
And stubble upon your cheek.  
And ladies, my lord, are weak.  
(Music continues)  
TRENT: Perhaps if she greets me cordially upon my return, I should give her a small gift. ..  
OWEN (Winces delicately):  
Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord,  
Have a fragile sensibility.  
When a girl's emergent,  
Probably it's urgent  
You defer to her gent-  
ility, my lord.  
Personal disorder cannot be ignored,  
Given their genteel proclivities.  
Meaning no offense, it  
Happens they resents it,  
Ladies in their sensit-  
ivities, my lord.  
TRENT (Feeling his chin): Stubble, you say? Perhaps at times I am a little overhasty with my morning ablutions .. .  
OWEN:  
Fret not though, my lord,  
I know a place, my lord,  
A barber, my lord, of skill.  
Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord,  
Some eau de cologne to grace my lord  
And musk to enhance the chase, my lord,  
You'll dazzle the girl until  
She bows to your every will.  
TRENT: Perhaps you may be right. Take me to him.  
OWEN (Sings):  
The name is TODD ...  
TRENT:  
Todd,eh?  
GEOFF:  
We'd best not wait until Monday  
BRIDGETTE:  
Sir, I concur,  
And fully, too.  
OWEN:  
Sweeney TODD.  
GEOFF:  
It isn't right.  
We'd best be married on Sunday.  
BRIDGETTE:  
Saturday, sir,  
Would also do.  
GEOFF:  
Or else tonight.  
BRIDGETTE:  
I think I heard a noise.  
GEOFF:  
Fear not.  
BRIDGETTE:  
I mean another noise!  
GEOFF:  
Like what?  
BRIDGETTE:  
Oh, never mind,  
Just a noise  
Just another noise,  
Something in the street,  
I'm a silly little  
Ninnynoddle —  
ANTHONY:  
You mustn't mind,  
It's a noise,  
Just another noise,  
Something in the street,  
You silly —  
BOTH (Falling into each other's arms):  
Kiss me!  
BRIDGETTE:  
Oh, sir...  
GEOFF:  
We'll go to Paris on Monday.  
BRIDGETTE:  
What shall I wear?  
I daren't pack!  
GEOFF:  
We'll ride a train ...  
BRIDGETTE:  
With you beside me on Sunday,  
What will I care  
What things I lack?  
GEOFF:  
Then sail to Spain ...  
BRIDGETTE:  
I'll take my reticule.  
I need my reticule.  
You mustn't think  
Me a fool  
But my reticule  
Never leaves my side,  
It's the only thing  
My mother gave me —  
Kiss me!  
Kiss me!  
We'll go there,  
Kiss me!  
We have a place where we can  
GEOFF:  
Why take your reticule?  
We'll buy a reticule.  
I'd never think  
You a fool,  
But a reticule —  
Leave it all aside  
And begin again and  
Kiss me!  
I know a place where we can go  
Tonight.  
Kiss me!  
We have a place where we can  
Go...Go tonight.  
OWEN {Simultaneously with the above):  
The name is Todd.  
TRENT:  
Todd?  
OWEN:  
Todd. Sweeney Todd.  
TRENT:  
Todd ...  
OWEN:  
Todd.  
GEOFF:  
I loved you  
Even as I saw you,  
Even as it did not  
Matter that I did  
Not know your name  
Johanna,  
Johanna,  
Johanna…

BRIDGETTE:  
I loved you  
Even as I saw you,  
Even as it does not  
Matter that I still  
Don't know your name, sir,  
Even as I saw you,  
Even as it does not  
Matter that I still  
Don't know your name . ..  
OWEN (Simultaneously with above):  
Todd . . . Sweeney Todd.  
TRENT & OWEN:  
Sweeney Todd.  
GEOFF: Anthony . . .  
TRENT: Todd . . .  
OWEN: TODD.  
BRIDGETTE: ANTHONY . . .  
TRENT: TODD, eh?  
BRIDGETTE: GEOFF:  
I'll marry ANTHONY Sunday, You marry ANTHONY Sunday,  
That's what I'll do. That's what you'll do,  
No matter what! No matter what!  
I knew you'd come for me I knew I'd come for you  
one day, one day  
Only afraid that you'd forgot. Only afraid that you'd forgot.  
OWEN (Simultaneously with above):  
Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord ...  
TRENT:  
Pray lead the way.  
OWEN:  
Have a fragile sensibility ...  
TRENT:  
Just as you say.  
BRIDGETTE:  
I feared you'd never come,  
That you'd been called away,  
That you'd been killed,  
Had the plague,  
Were in debtor's jail,  
Trampled by a horse,  
Gone to sea again,  
Arrested by the ...  
GEOFF:  
Marry me, marry me, miss,  
You'll marry me Sunday.  
Favor me, favor me  
With your hand.  
Promise,  
Marry me, marry me,  
That you'll marry me —  
Enough of all this ...  
(He crushes her to him; they kiss)  
OWEN(Simultaneously with above):  
When a girl's emergent,  
Probably it's urgent. ..  
Ladies in their sensitivities .. .  
TRENT:  
Todd ...  
BRIDGETTE (As she sinks to the floor with GEOFF) :  
Oh, sir ...  
GEOFF:  
Ah, miss . . .  
BRIDGETTE:  
Oh, sir...  
Oh, sir ...  
Oh, sir ...  
Oh, sir ...  
Oh, sir ...  
Oh, sir ...  
GEOFF:  
Ah, miss ...  
Ah, miss . . .  
Ah, miss ...  
Ah, miss ...  
Ah, miss . . .


End file.
